When I walked into Shelter Yetu for the first time, I kind of expected the boys to run into my arms with smiles like a slow-motion movie.
Well…that didn't happen. In fact, they continued in class like it was a typical day. I got a few stares, but more because I was a “mzungu” (white person) than anything else.
I accepted the boys’ lack of enthusiasm as a stranger-danger mentality. It wasn't until later that I understood the boys acted this way because the Shelter is carefully protecting an important part of their social and emotional development: their ATTACHMENT style.
Children have a natural attachment to parents and family. It is a trust-based attachment instilled as a baby. Think about it: a baby cries, and the mother tends to it. Immediately, the baby trusts the mother to provide for its every need. We carry this trust for the rest of our lives.
If you were to come into my home, my 11-year-old sisters would not run up to you, hug you, or sit on your lap. They have a trust-based attachment with my family that they have not built with you. This being said, think about a child in an orphanage. He didn’t have the privilege of creating an attachment to his family but was biologically wired to search for it. While the caregivers in an orphanage indeed do their best, you can devote only so much time to each child. Therefore, a child can become starved for attachment.
Now, enter the short-term mission team. When they arrive, the children run up to the team to hug, cuddle, take pictures, etc. The visitors feel like they are showing the children love. However, when the team leaves, the children are still at the orphanage with no one to attach to…. until the next team comes. This creates a cycle in the child's life of attaching without building trust. How damaging will it be for that child when they attach themselves to someone who should not be trusted? When they leave the orphanage at 18, they are in grave danger of being exploited.
Hence, it is a great thing when the boys at Shelter react to me with a bit of suspicion and hesitance. The Shelter, on occasion, and under great guidance, allow visitors in. Yet it looks nothing like the “knight in shining armor” picture I painted earlier.
The Shelter, through trauma-informed counseling and teaching, is working to encourage a healthy attachment to Shelter staff. They are also prepared emotionally to reunite and attach to their family. The staff puts in the hard work that might not look as “cute” as those pictures of volunteer teams in an orphanage. Yet, it is beautifully rich when the Shelter loves the boys enough to pursue a happy and healthy long-term home.
Can volunteer teams and churches still make a difference? YES! Yetu Director Kristen Lowry consults with many stateside groups to help them find the right way to serve. Contact her at klowry@shelteryetu.org
